The Girl and The £20 Note

“ Are you coming to sit with us or not Dean?” She sighed and rolled her eyes

“ You seem like yer having a belter talking to that big drug dealing cunt hen, on ye go.” I was standing at the bar with Slenderman himself; Gus, and Shaun the Belgian.

“ Can you talk normal for once please.” She turned around and stormed off to the table full of people, lifting a bottle of champagne from the cooler and pouring herself a glass.

Her name was Laurie.

Ye know how you’ve got those mates that end up in relationships and have absolutely nae idea what’s going on in the world. Like an actual nuclear bomb could go aff and they’d miss it cause they were too busy texting their burd. The type of dick that went from the soundest person alive, to doing pure cringey couply hings that make the entire population of facebook hate ye. Like folk who continually tag themselves in Nandos, saying shite like ‘out to dinner with my human.’

Aye, we all know at least wan of those dicks, and I’ll tell ye now, ye all need to gie it a bye

Sometimes though you can end up the other side of the coin, and get stuck in a relationship that ye thought was normal, but that isnae. Like girls that get mad obsessed way you and start collecting bits ae yer snotters in a giant ball, phone ye on a night out to tell ye what they had for dinner, or have a weird obsession wae yer belly button, so much so that they ended up in a documentary talking about their fetish.

“ Here Dean, that guy’s getting a bit, eh close to Laurie tonight.” Gus nodded back to the table, two ice cold Becks in his hands. drinking them both.

“It’s fine big man, he knows better, I’m fae Airdrie.” I smiled, looking over at our crowded table of people I was meant to be with: wearing a red dress, dark hair down her back, and being pressed into a wall by a slimy leather jacket wearing spice boy, was ma burd.

Now you might think, aw this is funny right, pure laughing at folk who are a rid neck in relationship and freaking out over the tiniest wee hing. But imagine that type of person was you and you didn’t even really know it? How gutted would you be when you realised that you were some kinda relationship zombie.

Well guess what, I was. Aye me,the artist formerly known as shagger. I was gone.

“ Dean, be smart about this son.” Gus tried to grab my arm but i shrugged him off, bouncing over to see what this serpent was playing at. But, before I could confront the roid junkie, Laurie jumped right between us to stop me.

“ Baby, Jamie and I were just talking, it’s fine. Don’t make a fool out of me here, not infront of everyone.” She had her hands on my chest trying to push me away.

“ You want battered wee man, come ahead!” This big lanky prick wae his chip pan grease hair was shouting at the top of his voice trying to look hard.

Now I used to do martial arts, and the only hing i was feart of in life was my Maw. This big fucking sloth wasnae even prepared for the smack i was about to lay down on his candy ass.

“ Right, move.” I literally picked Laurie up and moved her aside, fists clenched I rushed towards this big tree of a prick.

“ Dean, fucking stop now!” Then the last thing i remember hearing her say before the rage blackout was to one of the girls in the group “ God it’s not the first guy I’ve kissed, he’s so dramatic.”

I connected my fist with the guys smug Tory jaw when I felt the crack of the bottle over the top of my heed. The sound was louder than in a film man, it rang in my ears. I even caught a glimpse of blood in my blonde hair before hitting the floor, and feeling the first of many kicks to my head. A couple of seconds later i was out cold.

So how does a guy fall for such a charming girl ye might wonder? Well It all started when i was at Uni studying to be a big shot Advertising guy. I used to work in a shop, and a bit like most part time jobs, it had shite hours, but quality banter. I spent most of my time in there hungover, and getting paid to be wide tae customers who all had those mad ‘ I want to speak to your manager haircuts’. So one Saturday afternoon, I stoats in after 10 hours of drinking, an 8 hour shift in a hotel bar, onto another 7 hours in the shop. I was absolutely reeking, an actual corpse, stinking of alcoholism and shame.

So frequently as punishment for being a constant mad wae it mess, I would get lobbed on a till, and this particular day as i wander up to serve a few folk, I see this girl standing there. I’m not even going to lie right, she’s was a next day hangover Dominoes levels of delightful. Turned out we always worked opposite shifts and had never met before. So i stoated up, slung a wave her way and smiled. What ye got to lose eh?

“ How’s it going pal? I’m Deano.”

“ Hi.” She smiled, and it would’ve melted your grumpy Da’s hate filled heart.

“ Oh I know who you are.”

At first i got PURE excited.

How does she know how i am?

Maybe she’s saw me and i’ve not saw her, and she’s been like, what vending machine did you fall out of, he’s a snack.

Then it hit me.

“ Aw aye, the name badge.” I half laughed out of sheer embarrassment.

She giggled and pushed me slightly. “ No, everybody tells me that you’re always a bigger state on a shift than me, and that’s saying something.”

“ I can neither confirm, nor deny these allegations.” I said, absolutely horrified that i would even try and pass that off as patter.

Honestly man, wit’s rang wae you.

“ Well i’m finishing now Dean, enjoy your shift.” She said walking away and throwing a wee smile back at me.

Now I’m ugly as fuck right, so I had nae real ambitions of going after a pure Glasgow burd just so i could get the knock back. Mad thing is but, there must be something decent about me because she did all the chasing. Literally there wasnae enough Deano to go around. She started off working more of my shifts and being insanely flirty, texting me for hours after, and hitting ye with all the chat day and night. In theory, how could a single guy not fall for her?

It didn’t take long, but time passes and things were class, folk said we were a cute couple, going on trips abroad, our families liked us together. We were actually inseparable, going everywhere, and for the first time in my life i felt like I was happy to have someone else around. I always got this weird vibe that I wasnae really her kind of guy but, which was obviously in my head being a typical lad, but i worked harder to show her I could be. Pure efforts I’d have ripped one of the lads in the group chat for: flowers in uni and all that kinda stuff that makes ye want tae dry boke.

Things had started to change slowly, but i think the semester abroad was the start of it, she came back a bit different. A bit of a princess, really liked a party and wanted more attention than a needy dug. But when ye think ye love someone, you end up ignoring hunners of the shite they do to you, and I did. After a time, this arsehole of a guy starts hanging about the group more. Turns out he’s a dealer, and it was round about this time she just dived aff the platform and got rattled by the druggie train. Honestly this lassie loved a line. She was crazy for Ket. There were hunners of times i’d come in and find her pure gouching on the floor on a Tuesday afternoon, covered in a pool of piss and having to dae a John Travolta in Pulp Fiction to straighten her up.

“ Dean, wake up.” Laurie’s had me by the arms shaking me.

Her and Shaun the Belgian helped me to my feet, I could feel the blood pouring out of my skull. The entire bar was looking at me now, as was this pale cretin, just smiling back at me dismissively. Now I thought I should be the bigger man, so went to walk out the door away from anymore trouble. I had caused her enough of a rid neck.

Laurie was absolutely irate, shouting right in my face. My head was becoming really fuzzy now, like there was two of her. I couldn't even focus properly, I was starting to wobble. Then she was swinging punches at me, full force tae. I’m actually getting rag dolled and there’s nuhin i can do — but i never did anything any other time, it was just more embarrassing in public — I just staggered away down the street. I left her to go back to him, and walked myself to hospital. Funny hing is — and I didn’t know it then — but my life changed forever after that night.

Honestly, I’ve never had anyone kick ma cunt in one on one. Like, I’m a nimble, tough wee fucker. So you could imagine I never really expected the biggest kicking ae ma life would be wae fae a girl. But it’s no the physical that was the big problem; I just wasn’t prepared for the proper mental kicking I took fae it.

So a few days later I’m moping about in work — pure sleeping in the bakery bit, eating out of date food and only moving to chase the wee jakie guy who always steals mince —when I got some sound advice to go on Tinder, and forget all about that wee cow. Get back to being old Deano, and stick new Dean in the bin they said. So obviously as ye do, you go a bit mental when you become single to get over a burd.

About a hunner year later, I’m out in town one night inhaling 89p Vodkas on Sauchiehall Street and listening to some howling Indie music from 2007. The night’s just getting started so I’m swiping, pure rapid, left, right, right, left, right…then I saw this dynamite burd, and she’s got a balloon crown on, resting bitch face in full flow.

Oft, she’s a belter.

I swiped right on her, and boom we matched.

Quality.

So I bring out my top GIF game, fire a wee line and some cheek at her. But the cheek of her, she replied with a simple “bolt”.

You’ve got my attention hen

Turns oot that’s just her kinda banter and that like me; she’s wide as fuck. I mean we just hit it off instantly, pure spent the night talking, slagging each other, sending the most ugly, mad wae it selfies. I was actual blown away with this girl pure quick. Creative type, nice style, hot and down to earth. She was like the anti-Laurie. I thought it was likely just drunk feels, but they hung aboot. So after a few days of being an absolute shitebag, I finally asked her out, and without any cheek she agreed.

No gonnae lie, I’m pure jumping about the flat, dancing wae the dug and spinning it about like we’re doing Salsa. I had such a good vibe about this girl, it was so weird, but I just got pure excited talking to her. No wit, She was hot as fuck as well, browny blonde hair, green/blue eyes and the best laugh i’d ever heard. I wasn’t sure what this feeling was, but I fucking liked it.

A few days later we went out to the Christmas market for our first date, trying to be pure cute and that, and it was class. Unsurprisingly we just ended up in a bar ranting about left-wing politics, and wondering what one of us would give Donald Trump a better kicking. She won when she said she wanted nuhin more than to wear his tiny wee baws as earrings.

I’m pure smiting wae this burd…when did i become an actual GIMP!

As she was heading home for the night, we winched, and she even asked me to go out again.Things couldn’t have gone any better. Only problem was that my phone was for some weird reason, buzzing from messages from Laurie all night, which I was patching, cause she was obviously at it.

Cow

It was mega weird for me, ye actually couldnae separate us. We got on like a house on fire. It’s pure easy; it’s just all laughs. She’s beautiful, sound cheeky as fuck, and I could make her cum pure easy, it was class. We were constantly meeting for coffee, sitting up to stupid o’clock just bantering. It was dead surreal, like I’d never met someone who was like me but at the same time completely different. I Just felt class being around her, it was heavy nice.

Anyway, a while later we’re out in this Japanese restaurant — my phone still wobbling across the table wae texts fae her— and it’s pure banter. Nae pretence, just chat, n laughs, we even held hands over the table, pure cheesy as fuck — i know. So anyway, when they brought her beer out, I looked at this very cool glass and jokingly said “ Here, that’s getting stole.”

Now, some people could take that statement the wrong way, and with me they should. If there’s one thing about me, I love tae steal hings. No in a mad kleptomaniac way, but I just take pleasure in yoinking hings fae unsuspecting businesses. Like, last Christmas Eve I stole a deer the size of a labrador out of a bar wae three bouncers on the door. Why? because I wanted to challenge masel. it was huge.

Stealing hings is normal, fuck up.

Obviously i wasnae gonnae be a wee dick when I’m out with a girl i’m starting to fancy, and actual steal a glass. She can learn all about how shady I am at a later date and just deal wae it. But in a weird twist of fate, we stoats out the door, walks down the wee steps and she takes my arm and says “ I stole that glass for you.”

What a burd, man. Melting my usually black heart here hen.

A bit later we’re walking through town towards the taxi rank, and in my heed i’m thinking about how class this girl is, she’s clever, sarcy as fuck and takes none ae ma shite. But my brain started doing what it always does and aw these mad doubts crept in.

You’ve no goat it mate. Ye spend yer weekends taking Calpol and shagging fuck all.

How are you gonnae keep a girl like this?

Yer thick as fuck, yer dug could beat ye at Scrabble.

Those weren’t my words I realised, so eventually I ignored aw that gumpf and did suhin pure mad. Daft in fact, but I had to say it. It was pure word vomit. I couldn’t play it cool anymore.

“ I think you’re class.” Aw naw i’d said it. “ and I’d love to hang out wae ye more. ”

What had I said, I genuinely thought I was going to just projectile spew all over her wee face fae the fear. This absolute belter of girl and I had said that. I was fully expecting her to laugh right in my face. Instead, she gave me this really weird look, and I could tell i had fucked it. This was the kinda girl who was closed aff about her feelings. I could tell that much in some of the things we had said, and here i was just started seeing her, sputtering out fucking words.

“ Dean, I kinda like you too, but I’m not sure about something.”

“ I know I’m a bit of a fanny, but whatever you’re thinking I’m sure i can show you that I’m proper sound.” I wasn’t even surprised she was patching me if i’m honest, just gutted.

“ No, I think you’re so class…” She smiled the cutest wee smile.

“ I get it, it’s fine…”

“ Listen, I don’t know if you noticed, but a girl called Laurie has been running down the battery on your phone everytime we’re together. Which is totally fine by me.” She took a draw from her cigarette, her expression changing, her body language cold “ I could be wrong but i feel like you’ve got something to figure out about her, and I don’t want to be the back up.”

“ Eh naw, you’re not even, it’s not like that at all.” Aw naw I’d shat it, I couldn’t tell her what aw the shite I’d been through. “ I don’t know about Laurie or what she even wants, but I do know about you. I like you and want to meet yer dug. ’

“ Hmmm, give me your phone.” She said taking it out of my hand.

“ You’re not gonnae text her are ye.” I laughed nervously.

“ Eh naw, I’ve got an idea but.”

She went into my Facebook and deleted herself from my friends, removed her phone number, and even got rid of all of our texts. She started raking through her bag, took a pen and twenty quid out of her purse, leant against the taxi and wrote down her phone number.

“ Now, “ She took a long puff of her fag. “ Do you believe in fate Deano?”

“ Eh I’m more of a conspiracy theories, time travel, other dimensions kinda guy. Go tae mass n that but, so aye ,what’s for ye won’t go by ye i guess. ” I laughed. “ Here this isnae Hollywood but hen.”

“ Well, let’s put that to the test.” She kissed me on the lips and cackled that wee laugh. “ I’m going to use this to pay for my taxi, if i get a text from you sometime, then i’ll take it as a sign that you know what kinda girl good for you, and maybe you’ll be ready to open up a bit.”

The look of sheer confusion on my face must have been unreal, i probably looked like when ye were doing a Maths exam and had tae do the long division in yer heed. I knew she could be a wido, but this was aw sorts of ripping the cunt.

This is some way to patch a guy. Got to admire the effort.

“ Do ye realise these notes go out of date in about 4 weeks, aye?” I tried to crack a joke to not to make it more awkward for myself.

She laughed, leaned in, hugged me and winched me, before getting in her taxi and said “ I’d love to see you again Deano, you’re quality.”

I watched the taxi drive away, pure confused at what had just transpired. Then weirdly, my head started to really hurt, like a mad blinding pain in the front of my forehead. I could hear lots of voices all around me. I was on the ground somewhere. There was blood.

“ Dean, please wake up.” Laurie’s arms were wrapped around me, hugging me tight. “ Baby are you okay?”

Wit the fuck is going on here.

Her and Shaun helped me to my feet, i could feel the blood pouring out of my skull. There was an entire bar of people looking at me, as was this pale cretin, just smiling back at me dismissively. Now i thought I should be the bigger man, so went to walk out the door away from anymore trouble. I had caused her enough of a rid neck.

Wait, I had wit?

“ Actually.” I turned back in the door, tapped the prick on the shoulder and punched him, knocking him clean out. “ Get it up ye.”

Laurie was running behind me now trying to catch up, she was pleading with me to listen, that she was sorry, but my head was becoming really fuzzy now. I couldn’t even focus properly, i was seeing colours and shapes everywhere. Laurie threw her arms around me, kissing me on the cheek. She took me to hospital, continually apologising and promising things would be different, that she was sorry she had stopped appreciating me. That she loved me.

I was concussed to fuck at this point man. This amazing girl was pure clear as day in my head, and when I saw Laurie all I wanted was it to be her. I mean, I loved a good snooze and a dream, but that couldn’t have been it, I couldn’t get that girl out of my head, She was a belter.

I wanted to just walk away, I always did. But for whatever reason, once again I didn’t. It’s really conflicting when someone so close does the worst things to you. I mean, she was trying, Laurie was the only girl who had ever even acted like she gave a fuck. It’s a rid neck to say it, but it’s not easy to just stop caring for the first girl you loved, even if she was abusive, even if she was a shite cunt to you.

So ages went by, and we basically never spent anytime apart again. There were late night cinema trips, days into Edinburgh, pure eating our dinner every night to episodes of The Simpsons, sending each other tunes. Things were decent. On the outside you’d have said i looked great and life was soaring; but inside i was feeling tortured.

No matter what, ye can’t just ignore bad things that have happened to you in the past, it eats away at ye, and you grow tired. Like stuff I would’ve put up with before I just didnae want to tolerate. I didnae want to go and pick her up when she was mad wae it, and drop aw her pals aff, or get roped into buying her hings all the time. I didnae want to be put down anymore. I didnae want to have to take any mental or physical abuse. But I tried, cause In my mind I thought, everybody goes through stages of being a cow, and I probably deserved this for all the times I’d been a dick in life. After all, she had been trying to fix us when It was me who needed to screw the nut and see I had someone who actually cared about me.

So one day a while later I got in and she’s just woke up after a night out, mangled still, she turned and kissed me on the cheek “ My friend is having a birthday party in their house. Why don’t you come with me, baby?”

More and more I felt a responsibility to make sure she found a way through all of this drug stuff. To take care of her, I had to put my own hurt behind me, she was in some state mentally and physically. No one knew how bad it had gotten, and I don’t know where my heed would’ve took me if i had found her dead one day. I gave everything to make sure she was okay, while everything around me got worse and worse

“ Of course, I think you need to take it easy tonight but, yer still fucked. ”

“ I’m just going to show face Dean.” So i fired on a some mad fancy black suit at Laurie’s request, and we headed along to this party in the west end.

I’ll tell ye it was absolutely heaving in this house, full of art wankers, rich folk, soy boys (the vegan, druggie equivelant tae spice boys), and guess who: drug dealing Jamie, who wisely stayed away from another leathering aff a cunt half his size. Honestly but, ye couldnae swing a cat about the place for humans, it was reeking of the type of know it all, rich cunts that eat pheasant for breakfast. It was also actually stinking, and this was a fancy house — I mean aye there was a pure sticky floor like in the cinema, and a toilet with one massive shite just lying across the bath like a sweaty slug — so it made no sense.

Did anyone care but? Naw, they were blootered.

Now I know you might think you’ve been to a party and seen hunners ae cunts taking drugs. Let me tell ye but, there was stacks ae hings in this place — Skag, Kush, Mandy, Snow — like actual pallets full. When I first walked in i thought i was on the set ae Narcos or suhin. It was like a junkies den for Tories. No cunt was actual here for a party, just to get rammed fulla Ket.

“ This isn’t really my kinda party, no much banter n dancing. A bit more whipping out yer bank balance and talking about roids. ”

“ Are you worried they might sniff out the fact you’re a wee ned?” She said kissing him on the cheek and walking away. “ Try some of what’s on offer Dean, you might enjoy it.”

I tried my best to just keep sober, and make sure she was awrite, but for most of the night she was gone, out of it, just floating about with that Jamie cunt. My patience was wearing thin, what did he have that I didnae? I know aw my flaws, but the constant feeling of being ripped the cunt out ae wasnae sound. I was in a mad wee bubble, I couldn’t talk to her about anything, she would tell me i was a terrible person for questioning her — on things I all knew to be true, but that I let myself ignore, she’d say that it wasn’t my business just because I cared. So I felt like the dick a lot and walked around on egg shells trying to make a relationship work.

Maybe she had a point. Like what’s the big deal, a couple of lines, maybe an eccie. Everybody was at it anyway, and anything he had done before he had handled, so why not this? Aye I wasn’t intae drugs , I was mad enough without it, but it wasn’t a big deal in this day and age, everything was safe.

Fuck it.

So I went and sat down at the kitchen table, where cunts were dishing oot. A girl put three lines in front of me, and that slimy Jamie prick handed me a note. Laurie standing in corner with a drink watching me.

“£20 quid, yer lucky I don’t tan these lines and run like fuck.” I joked, nobody laughed.

“ That’s pocket change pal. “ he snorted. “ It’s an old note anyway, so don’t go trying to spend it all on sweeties.” He quipped.

I took the first line, slowly getting through it. It hit me worse than that bottle over my heed, I wanted to whitey. My eyeballs were sare. I could feel every wee grain of cocaine making its way through my system. Then I dunno what crept into my head, but i noticed some writing on the note and unfurled it. It was manky and ripped tae fuck, Long out of date as fuck face had said.

Nah, cannae be.

In the big bit next to the Clydesdale logo was a phone number with the letter ‘A’ next to it and two Xs.

Actual nae chance am I this buzzed after wan line.

I got up from the table, rushing out of the flat and into the close. I could hear everyone laughing at me, thinking I was fucked from my first line of coke. They didn’t get it but, she didn’t get it. She wasnae right for me, and I couldnae be the guy to save her.

So I took my phone out of my pocket, and started to dial. I had tae check. It rang for pure ages. I think once you realise what it’s like to be happy in life, there’s no going back, that you’ll chase that happiness no matter what. Ye also eventually see that, every devil hasnae got horns, and every hero doesnae wear a cape.

“ Deano. “ Then he heard that cute wee cackle. “ You’re a bold yin, calling after all this time.”

Her name was Lola.